What: *NSYNC's music video for It's Gonna Be Me. Otherwise known as the one where Justin Timberlake and J. C. Chasez are dolls, and those other guys, too.
Why: Because it's May, and I'm 31 and obviously have nothing better to do.
"Self-care, y'all. Treat. Yo. Self."
First of all, what's this chick doing just wandering around in a toy store without a purse, or a sweater, or keys, or a cellphone, or sunglasses, or anything? Is this normal? Do grown-ass women do this? Do her pants have deep pockets? They look a little tight, so I'm skeptical. Me, I'm a nomad when I leave the house. Does this woman host workshops? Does she blog? Can I get on that wavelength? Or subscribe to her newsletter? Can I be about that life? My back hurts so bad. My shoulders basically sit on a slant.
Second of all, why is she wandering around aimlessly in a toy store? She obviously ain't buying shit for anyone, so what is she doing there? Is she de-stressing? Do the toys have magical powers to do that? Does she have a grown-ass woman doll collection at home? Are her walls pink? I want to assume she does, but she's in an *NSYNC video so that's most likely not the case because, ~image~.
Third of all, where are all the employees? Are they on a three-hour smoke break? Do their employers not care about work ethic? Are they hiring? Is this Toys R Us? That might explain a lot. #RIP
"Hey girl: I do my own hair and makeup, and dress myself. It's gonna be MAY. Yeah."
Let's take a minute to discuss what's going on with J. T. doll, because . . . hooooooo, boy.
The other dolls in this video look fairly normal, so I can't really figure out what happened here. Maybe the makeup artist was like, "Fuck this guy," due to her clairvoyance and knowledge that J. T. would BETRAY US ALL. Nevertheless, his face looks like mine does when I make a sincere attempt at doing my own makeup, and that is saying a lot. I'm getting severe PTSD flashbacks to the time I tried applying tinted eyebrow gel with a fancy brush.
I would also like point out that his hair looks like spray-dyed yellow ramen noodles. When I was in middle school and didn't feel like washing my hair, I'd take globs of Herbal Essences hair gel and run it through my own curls in an effort to make them smell nice and disguise the grease, and now, thanks to Justin Timberlake doll, I know exactly what I looked like and understand why I had no friends.
Also: HOOOOOOOOOMYGOD THAT STUDDED ACID WASH JEAN JACKET. HHHNNNNNNNNGGGGGGH WAT.
"NOOOOOOOOO, NOT MY PATENT LEATHER SNAKE PRINT PANTS!!! WHY DOES THE ARMY HATE MEEEEEEE????"
Y'all: I don't even own a pair of patent leather snake print pants. BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD THEM. Celebrity bastards.
As for these toy soldiers, I'm not sure how patriotic it is to gang up on J. C. Chasez and his pants, but I'm going to chalk it up to not very.
"If I jump up and down hard enough, no one can deny my youth and vigor, or rightful place in this band."
So I googled Chris Kirkpatrick because for years and years I'd wondered to myself, "What was that guy's deal?" I also don't have a lot of mental stimulation in my day-to-day, so you know, PSA time: Read, kids, or else you'll think about Chris Kirkpatrick and what his deal was for literally almost two decades.
I discovered that he was not insignificantly older than his bandmates—information that lends understanding to his behavior in this video: He is taking great measures to fight the natural inclination of not giving a fuck that comes with age. This is something I know a lot about. Not the fight, the submission. I don't give a shit about anything. It's really wonderful, and in retrospect actually makes me feel for the guy.
Bonus hhhwat: In googling Chris Kirkpatrick I was presented with a suggested search for A. J. McLean, who, I am happy to report, now looks like a Puerto Rican Paul Giamatti.
"No one puts baby in a box."
I would really like to know if this store is hiring. I'm picking up on a severe lack of diligence in how this shit-show of an establishment operates, and as a professional who is always on the lookout for the next step in her career, I firmly believe I would thrive there.
My favorite part of this video is the brief Limp Bizkit cameo. The early 2000s were a magical time.
"I just found a mole that wasn't there two hours ago, haha!"
True fabricated story, I was at my dermatologist's office and saw this hanging as a poster in her waiting area. It was unusual, so of course I inquired about it when I was called back for my examination. As the question, "What's up with that, you a big fan of *NSYNC?" popped out of my mouth, I watched the expression on her face erupt into fury. "FUCK those guys. All those girls are DEAD from stage four skin cancer. *NSYNC can burn in hell." And I was like, "Wow, that's a really intense reaction. I was expecting nothing of what just occurred in any way, shape, or form. Also: who lied to you?"
"Grown-ass woman who shops for dolls with no money who?"
MMMM-HMMMMMM. THE PATRIARCHY.
*Ralph voice* "HA-HA."
Well, turns out Barbie's an asshole, but I think we all suspected as much.
Listen. This is not the appropriate reaction to seeing boy band dolls come to life and perform for you.
The conclusion I've come to is that the cashiers employed at this particular toy store DO go on smoke breaks, but not for cigarettes.
It all makes sense: Disappearing for hours at a time, scanning whatever shit is handed to them without question, not looking even vaguely horrified or perturbed by the fact that a doll grew into a human man in the span of 0.5 seconds . . . I mean, duh.
So I will ask one more time: ARE. 👏 THEY. 👏 HIRING? 👏
"IT'S GONNA BE MAY."
Man, look at this epic foreshadowing. J. T. with his spray-dyed yellow ramen noodle hair and studded acid wash jean jacket. We should have known.
"Everything's fine. You were all trapped in doll form for an undisclosed amount of time, and who knows how you ended up that way, but it's fine. You could have pissed off a witch who got her revenge by hexing all of you, and though it would be prudent to know what you did and if we're still in mortal danger, I'm just going to laugh it off! Haha! Positive affirmations, guys! Life is beautiful! Hey, do y'all want to come over to my place? I have really great pink walls. We'll have to shimmy in through the doggie door, though, because I don't have any keys. Hey, I like your pants. And your jacket! Who are these other guys?"
There's something wrong with this girl.